I’m not, by nature, a patient person. I jump ahead of the conversation with alarming frequency and can’t stand the waiting period for nearly anything. When forced to wait for longer than five minutes for something I’m excited about, I get antsy. I squirm in my seat and fiddle with my phone– anything to attempt to occupy my mind.
I submitted my study abroad application a couple weeks ago, and the waiting period has begun. I won’t know if I got in or where I am going until November and the suspense is driving me mad.
The waiting period has found me searching for flights to and from various places in Europe; wondering if, wherever I end up, I can find a way to the places that are still drawing me in. An impossible task; I applied to seven (extremely) different universities in four different countries. I could end up at any one of them.
Waiting is keeping me from planning but it only fuels my desire to plan more. I have a burning desire to know when I’ll be back in Europe. When can I make the trek to France? When can I go to visit family in Scotland? Even more important: how much time will I have in the United States between finishing classes this semester and before I go abroad?
Waiting leaves too much time for thought; what if I end up at my last choice? My angst isn’t helped by the fact that I don’t really understand the application process.It’s a totally different experience from my last trip abroad, where I knew exactly where I would be studying for months in advance. Arguably, it wouldn’t be that bad; I will still get to go abroad but the sting of disappointment of not getting into my first choices would be all too real. What if I don’t get in at all? All the work and all the anticipation– only to be let down. What then? What if, what if…
I have no idea what to expect at this point. There aren’t other steps I can take to prepare for my trip until I know where I’m going.
There is something about the insecurity of anticipation that is particularly aggravating.
Until I know for sure, everything is out of my control. I am existing in a state of anxiety that I can’t shake off. The best I can do is focus on what I’m doing: school, work, and spending time friends. I’m trying to be present and engaged in what is going on here in Asheville, and trying to shake off my wanderlust with the promise of future adventure. It isn’t quite enough, at least not right now. It’s a shallow critique and a worthless complaint, but until I know SOMETHING about what’s next for me, this is where I am.
Battling my own impatience.