It’s time again. I’m back to blogging, for now anyway. I have so many things on my mind and I need to share.
So here I am again.
The thing about the hours between midnight and dawn is that I am never sure if it is morning or night. It is still nighttime, but the day approaches quickly– especially when you are awake without a purpose, or are suffering from a sense of impending doom
(the things the day brings are not always welcome).
It’s quiet, too much so if your mind is racing and you can’t force yourself to relax. When your mind is brimming with thoughts and lists of
things to do
things not yet done
and misguided attempts at motivation.
The night is when I spend the most time thinking
(foolishly so because thinking strangles sleeping)
(and I am hopeless without sleep)
but the thoughts are good and sometimes inspiring and sometimes clarifying.
But it is lonely at night. The knowledge that everybody else is sleeping or off in their own mental world makes me feel lonely and isolated. At night I find myself in measures of extremes: the overly emotional girl that is brimming with love and happiness, or the girl that feels profoundly lonely. Frantically working or slowly drifting into unconsciousness. Company in the form of pixelated words on a too-bright screen, eyes straining; the light from outside through my blinds, covering my eyes to sleep.
As the evening wears on, sometimes I find myself thinking of happier things– realizing, alone in my room, that maybe
I am so much more than I give myself credit for.
(But sometimes I am much, much less.)
It is those moments, though,
(where I recognize that I am spectacular in ways I don’t even acknowledge)
(that sounds so egotistical written out like that)
that I realize that these late nights
are perhaps the best time because they are the most challenging.
It is in these hours that I am most critical and most emotional; where I allow myself to think about more than just mundane life for a while (before I’m sucked back into worrystressworrystressworrystressexhaustion).
I think it’s time to sleep.