So, I’m back at school now, and for once I’m alone in my room with my thoughts. It’s weird… it seems to quiet and lonely in here without the companionship of my friends.
Today, I seem to have retreated into my own mind a bit. Caught in my own analysis of my surroundings and distracted by other stories or people or places, I’m not sure what I need to snap out of this silence. I’m unnerved by the fact that I feel like I’m neither here nor there, not fully present in conversations as thoughts whisk me to other places and reality snaps me back.
It’s been raining lately, patches of torrential downpour and moments of gloomy grey sky. I’m enraptured by it, the noise and the feel of it… I’ve danced in it already, and I’m still cold and shivering. A moment of brief respite from my mind, though a few minutes of spinning around like a madwoman possessed by some undeniable urge to be strange for no apparent reason. Cold and shivering with rain battering me, it was easy to feel small and forgettable for a little bit. Unfortunately, this foolishness, though not regretted, was only a momentary escape before my mind closed around me again and I found myself at a standstill.
Sometimes, in moments like that, I believe that I shouldn’t be around people at all. Like the presence of people I barely know but already know too well (it’s a strange contradiction) makes the fact that I’m silently lost less legitimate and more like a show of my inability to decide how I should act or what I need to be doing.
These are scattered thoughts, but I’m thinking in terms of rainstorms, ideas and judgements and my own uncertainty… leaves tracked in by feet, unnoticed until they are scattered across your floor. I’ll just keep dancing around in circles, embracing the rain until the world is a blur and my mind has settled.