I’m done with high school. I’ve taken all my exams and finished my classes. I’ve started cleaning out boxes of stuff. I’ve been signing yearbooks, writing letters, reading notes written to me, uploading pictures to facebook. Everything is frantic, a last-ditch effort to claim ownership of a vaguely-familiar life. It’s all leading to goodbye.
I hate goodbyes, I really do. And these goodbyes… well, I don’t want to make most of them. I refuse to accept that this is the end, because endings can be sad more often than not.
I refuse to say goodbye to the movie nights that have characterized a seven-year-long-friendship.
I refuse to say goodbye to the stories I created when I was just beginning to write.
I won’t say goodbye to the teachers that have made my high school experience wonderful, and I especially will not say goodbye to the ones that have made this year memorable and amazing.
I won’t say goodbye to my unexpected friends, or the unexpected moments of beauty experienced with them.
I refuse to say goodbye to the friends with whom I found a home. Or the stories we wrote in our lives or in our minds, the ones that we never finished and the ones that we did because living is much easier than imagining, at least for now.
I won’t say goodbye to these half-created plans, these fractions of thoughts and ideas that seem never to happen. I won’t give up hope that they can happen, that these crazy dreams and plans and schemes are even possible– because I want to believe that they will.
I won’t say goodbye to the list of things I meant to do this year but didn’t. Goals can change and shift and not accomplishing them is no reason for me to give up trying to make them happen in some form.
But mostly, I absolutely refuse to say goodbye to my life as it is now— the people or this place or these dreams or these words, even. It is not yet gone and I am still here. And I refuse to say goodbye because I know I will return to HERE in my mind and in my future, to every aspect of this hectic existence.
Thanks for listening, as always– sorry I’ve been absent, but as mentioned… frantic, crazy life. Sometimes I just need a break from my own mind, but sometimes I need to speak.