So this has been bothering me all day, and I’m writing about it so that I can stop thinking about it and actually focus.
I have lots of fears. Small fears, and probably irrational ones, but they’re ones that continually make sense in the context of my life. Basically, I fear dramatic change that could end in me losing people that are important to me. I could elaborate much more on that, but I’d rather not.
This is partially because I’ll be going to visit UNC-Asheville again on Friday, and since that’s where I’ll be going to college next year (unless something changes within the next month, which is unlikely but still…). Going up to Asheville again for the first of the many orientation-type sessions is like admitting to myself that high school is ending and my life is going to change very DRAMATICALLY, and much sooner than I’m prepared for.
It’s scary. I mean, it’s awesome and I’m excited, but I’m also terrified. The same old fears, the ones that show up every time you’re thrust into a situation where you’ll be meeting lots of strangers and what-if-I-make-a-fool-of-myself, what-if-nobody-likes-me, what-if-I-become-cripplingly-socially-awkward, what-if-I-get-lost… and there are so many more. Irrational fears. Silly fears, as though my brain has been transported back to the beginning of middle school or something equally traumatizing.
I can’t get rid of them, though. I can’t help but be anxious about these minuscule, potential problems. Because these are the small ones, the ones that I’m okay with voicing, and they don’t even touch on the larger issues, being that MY LIFE IS CHANGING AND I AM WORRIED. I guess that’s the easiest way to say it for now. I want to remind myself of things that I will remember to do, or at least, things I don’t want myself to do. Promises, in a way, to myself, ways I want my life to be now and in the future.
I promise that I will not:
- Forget about my close friends that I have now.
- Let people think of me as an object or take advantage of me.
- Lose my morals.
- Follow blindly.
- Have a closed mind.
- Be afraid of new situations or opportunities.
- Put myself into situations that I know are dangerous.
- Abuse my body.
- Shut myself off from the world.
- Be afraid to make change in my life. (Even if it scares me.)
- Pretend to be somebody I’m not.
- Forget my dreams & ambitions.
At the same time, I will:
- Be open to new friendships.
- Fill my life with things that make me happy.
- Focus on others, not just myself.
- Be honest with myself.
- Treat the earth with respect.
- Be kind.
- Remember how it feels to do something new and exciting.
- Be confident.
- Admit my faults… and try to change them.
- Ask forgiveness when I need to.
- Make positive decisions.
- Choose the life I want. (And not regret it.)
So, yeah. That’s what I want to remember a week from now… a few months from now… a year from now. I want to remember how I feel now, and how I felt like in the past. I don’t want to lose myself or lose the wonderful people that surround me.
I’m giving myself the freedom to change my life whenever I want to. I’m not afraid of my fears (thanks, FDR… *nerd jokes*), and I’ll try to understand myself and my choices. I’ll try to embrace change and choose the best path. And if I mess up, I’m going to try my hardest to correct it, rather than dwelling on it.
I can make these promises now and hopefully I’ll remember them later, and if I don’t, somebody will hopefully be around to remind me. (Thanks in advance! :))
So… what are your fears? What promises do you want to make to yourself?
P.S. Thanks for reading, as always! Even more thanks for the comments on my last post– everybody was so encouraging and understanding. Love to all of you. ❤