I feel lost today. The sky was grey, that peculiar shade that engulfs the sky, taunting of a looming storm. The air was still, scant breezes lazily wafting by, but I felt lost. There’s something about this weekend and today that combined to make me feel heavy. The weight of some unknown settles into my stomach and I am disjointed from the world, as though the air is bending around me, never touching. I walk steadily and my feet seem to be too strong. My eyes won’t close, and my mind won’t focus. I think of nothing and everything.
There’s a heaviness to my heart too– not the actual organ, of course; physically I am fine. But I find my mind suddenly switching to French and images rise to my memory, floating behind my eyes and I recognize the emotion. I am lonely, profoundly so, missing “home”, the home I knew last year, that comfortable place with friends I rarely have the chance to speak to. It’s as though I am on French time and everybody else is here. My entire being is out of sync with everybody around me, dragging a moment behind or leaping too far forward. When I speak, it’s as though my voice is a whisper and when I try again, it fades altogether, dropping silently to the floor where my companions cannot hear it.
The day is grey and gloomy; I am, too. I seek the sun, but notice that it has been stolen from even the places where I seek refuge. As though I truly am alone, forgotten, or pushed away. A simple question confuses me, and I wonder if the suggestion is a valid one. This emotion isn’t like anger, it’s haunting. Anger feels like burning and I feel like a shadow.
I move automatically, not knowing where to go but seeking the only solution I can find. The respite of silence and the creaking of an old building, the familiar scent of books. I belong here, a girl artfully ignored. I work silently, the keys clicking under my fingers, glancing up every now and again to see familiar faces across the room. They don’t notice me, but I smile, knowing that if I stood up and wandered over, they would say hello with a smile and I would have the chance to talk about my day and seek some sort of comfort through kind words.
I don’t seek that comfort though. In this moment, I am alone, and I accept that. I seek something besides people but I’m not sure what. The uneasiness in my heart makes the world seem heavier, even as the sun sets and stains the sky orange and pink, sweeping across the earth and onto me.
Today is that kind of day.
Sorry if that made no sense, I’m just rambling.