I’m kind of getting used to this whole blogging-every-day thing. Sometimes it’s boring, and I do really enjoy writing posts like the one from last night. That’s the kind of thing I love to talk about, and I will happily run off on a tangent about such things. However, today’s post will be less philosophical, but it won’t be another this-was-my-day posts, either.
Confronted with the sudden reminder of all the Big Important Things and the Future that I have to confront (the problem, fight, and win), has given me a wake up call about what I need to do. In some ways, it’s motivational, but in other ways, it’s just a reminder, like all the other reminders, of how MUCH that I have LEFT to do and accomplish, and how little time.
Beyond that, it is like it’s a race, between all of these seniors. Competing for the places and the prestige of certain colleges, for scholarships and honor and awards. The winner walks away with the pride of accomplishment, and certainly they deserve it, but when I look at yourself in the face of people who are so brilliant, I can’t help but think that I am not quite up to par. Part of me asks why should I try for this prestige scholarship or that one, because I’m clearly not extraordinary enough for that. As if I don’t deserve it. If it is a question of believing that you are the right person for a certain thing or not, I don’t feel very confident. Why CAN’T I be? The other part of me is fearless. There is NO REASON not to at least try. It doesn’t hurt. It can’t hurt, but the matter of believing myself capable is where it becomes a problem.
Though it was easy for me to think that I was able to handle France and so many other things, I know that I still don’t fully believe in myself. It’s aggravating, because so much of me WANTS to think more of myself than I do. The thing is, I cannot help but compare myself to people that I see as much greater than myself in more than just academics. I am not jealous; I think that they are great and wonderful people that will change the world. I just have trouble seeing myself as one of them.
In this race for the best, I want to be in the running. I want to be up there, but before I can be on the starting line, I have to come to terms with what I am capable of anyway, and where I stand. How far can I run?
(In a way, this is also a metaphor for my cross-country season, which is proving to be emotionally nerve-wracking. It should be November.)
A demain, encore!